Friday, June 19, 2009
3:47am
our little house by the sea
I can see it now
your dress, in the wind
those legs, silhouette against the linen
there is grass, everywhere, long, tall grass
green grass moving as an organic unit
there are dogs
each one chasing the other
there are 2 kids, in my arms
a boy and a girl
I can feel their warmth
my hands, feel normal
they feel.
I haven’t felt that in a long time.
I’m forgetting what that means - feeling.
my toes, in the grass
the cool moisture
you’re running towards us
towards our house
towards our life
by the sea
by the sunset
by the end of the world
theres no history
no past
no future
no present
just here
now
our lives, here
at the end of the world
as the wind through my hair
through my beard
through your dress
through our lives
and our kids.
these beautiful little monsters.
all the years, we would have perhaps missed
is this a premonition?
that wind passing through each of us
little pieces of us floating away
into everyone
and everything
I tell myself:
please, just dont wake up.
* a dream that I had one night. I remember it vividly.
Later on, I had met someone who changed my perception on life..
This dream never really made sense to me, until I met her and I realised that she was the woman in my dreams.
Which makes this very surreal to read.
Especially knowing that this could be a reality one day.
Thursday, June 18th, 2009
8:27am
I don’t sleep too well most nights
falling asleep seems ok sometimes
but staying asleep,
always the problem
11 pm my phone rings
“can we just hang tonight?”
‘Im good with that, I can’t stay though’
“come keep me company? just… sleep with me for tonight. only sleep though”
‘ya, I don’t sleep well but…sure.’
she wraps her arms around me
the bed is too small for the two of us
she’s quiet, doesn’t move
sleeps with a smile.
I feel myself drifting away
out into the night
out into the past
whatever memories are left
start to re-live, re-animate the dead.
people are who they were
things are the way they were
I’m running down the street
I’m sprinting through a field
I miss those memories.
where are they all now
who’s keeping them
who decides that they are destined to be only memories ?
to stay that way forever
she twitches, startles me awake.
3:15am, like clockwork, awake again
peoeple outside are yelling.
laughing
drinking
smoking
the music downstairs is pounding
people upstairs are fucking again
the brick walls
high ceilings
that window, to die for
the street car
they don’t do much other than background noise
ambient noise swirling around the room
shadows dancing
keeping my eyes open
she hasn’t moved
but her fingers are twitching.
is she dreaming about me?
do they ever dream about me ?
her hands are small
still has her arms around me
doesn’t want to let go
likes that I’m old
she likes touching my face
likes that I don’t care
she covers my chest with her hand
want’s to say something
‘dont say it…’
“…ok”
this wont sustain though
thinks she knows who she is
thinks she has me figured
I’m not going to be another test run
I’m not going to be another boyfriend
I’m not going to be anything
we both say its open and honest
but we both know how this is going to end
the street gets quiet for a while
the cat is scratching at the door
its 4am as I’m sprinting again, but only for a second
she moves
it’s too warm to sleep
move the sheets off
it’s fucking hot in here
I’m sweating.
she said she wants to go somewhere
maybe NYC, maybe europe
I start to think about it
guatamala
rio
paris…
the sheets slip off
her back is facing me
trace the world on a blank canvas.
we’re flying to Vegas with a dream in my pocket
I can hear her now
“its all going to change, I can feel it !”
‘I hope so…’
the sun is coming up
she rolls, moves my head to her chest
I feel it, but my eyes are shut
I’m too busy
and we’re landing at LAX
her hands through my hair
she smiles, kisses me
we’re driving along the coast now
the ocean mist on the fresh pavement
newly wet, drying in the sun
I can smell the salt
everything starts to fall into the ocean
my eyes start to open
her hands
grab at my neck
grab at my hair
hands are pushing me under the sheets
pushing me underwater
I’m gasping for air
too tired to swim
I don’t fight, don’t have it in me anymore
the current takes me under
the water is so clear, so soothing
my hearing gets muffled
someone’s screaming my name
can’t find a way out
can’t stop myself from sinking
something keeps pushing me down
beneath the surface
beneath the sun
beneath the ocean floor
beneath the dreams
and the reality
and the complexity
and the memories
and the water
the ocean is on top of us now
the weight of the ocean is on my shoulders and I’m drowning
weightless and so heavy
the world is crashing while I’m drowning
the walls are on fire around us
while the sheets are burning around us
the bed is burning with us
and I’m gasping for air
while she’s cumming.
she doesn’t ask why my hand shakes
doesn’t ask why I spill my drink
doesn’t ask why I have to lay on her right side
but she doesn’t really understand what that all means
“we dont have to do this, you know”
‘I want to, its..’
she interupts “…just dont hurt me”
‘…I cant promise that’
“then lie to me, and say you wont…”
‘…i wont if you wont’
we lay face to face
alone
with our insecurities
and our lies
* I began a relationship with a younger woman in her early twenties. She would cover up the tattoo of my ex-girlfriend’s name whenever she was on top of me, it was branded across my chest.
I knew her from art school, and I was very reluctant to become involved, but she was very persistent. I didn’t realise at the time how much she actually liked me. I felt bad but she never made it clear. She had set out clear definitions of what she wanted and wanted to do. I was merely trying to make sense of it. There were many nights that my dreams were interweaved with some semblence of reality, due to my inability to sleep well.
I woke up one morning, having vivid dreams superimposed on top of a semi-conscious state. While she grabbed my hair and made me do what she wanted to her.
There were a few things I had always wanted to say, but I never really had the chance.
But I wanted you to know.
Karen was too easily swayed, seeking constant affirmation of her beauty and in obvious need of such.
We went out together, as a group
I knew her from art school and she was fun.
She was always smiling and I never did, thats how we noticed each other.
she was also very pretty, and built in all the right places.
I was dating a mutual friend at the time, so we knew each other relatively well
she had issues with booze
but she fortunately did not have the liver to support those issues, so she couldn’t really do that much damage.
she did, however, have the body to support the trouble that seemed to followed her.
I could see hands on her, out on the dancefloor
2 at first, then more
she didnt even know what was going on.
I tried to help her
I pushed and I shoved and I fought
and
I managed to get a hold of her
I held her tight to me
we danced, incoherent.
I remember her smiling up at me, I could have been anyone
but when she knew it was me, she held me closer.
I was only trying to get her out of a bad situation
a stable shoulder to lean on
she brought trouble on herself, she liked it.
I’m sure she isn’t any better now
But she never deserved it.
I left with her friend and my girlfriend at the time, Meghan.
I caught shit about what happened, how I shouldn’t have “helped” her like that
I still don’t understand female jealousy -
she would have rather her friend raped on the dancefloor than to have me dancing with her in safety… funny how that works
We stayed at a friend’s house in the neighbourhood.
Another friend from school.
I had always been into her but she was too high on herself. Abrasive.
Daddy was nice enough to buy a house for her and her sister to live in while at school in the city.
all the while I was paying for my meals with dimes and nickels.
Funny how that works…being poor.
fuck. what was her name…
small town girl with a very wealthy family.
I helped Karen vomit and pass out on the couch.
Meghan and I slept in a guest room, actually, I think we slept on the sister’s bed.
I woke up in the morning and gave her the most un-enthusiastic fuck I have ever given anyone, I just wasn’t into it
that hardly ever happens.
We had only been dating for a few months, but I knew after that night, it was on a steady decline.
I actually liked Meg alot.
We connected on a number of levels, spiritually, artistically
but
a child of divorce means that I ended up paying for her issues.
she had an ass that wouldn’t quit though
statuesque, that golden ass,
but that wasn’t enough to keep us together
she was upset that she no longer lived the priviledged lifestyle she was raised with
upset with the fact that although we were potential soulmates, I had no financial rewards to offer her
she started seeing someone else, probably around the last time I fucked her, if not before.
I didn’t explicitly know, but my intuition had been very acutely honed
my previous experience in having other’s fuck my girlfriend and having fucked other’s girlfriend’s…
the catch-22 of being the other man and also simultaneously fearing “the other man”
mutual friends confirmed my suspicion.
after we broke up, I had heard through the grapevine that she wasn’t happy with the new boyfriend.
he didn’t satisfy her.
they said he didn’t fill her up enough.
good. fucking bitch.
It felt good to hear that.
to know that on the most basic level, I could leave someone physically addicted to me.
I had seen her through the years at mutual friend’s parties, and she would always try to fuck me in the washroom while she was drunk.
I always refused, even though I wanted to.
I wouldn’t ever give her the satisfaction of knowing she could beat me on that level.
I began to hate her more and more as each time I saw her, she played that game.
Then I heard she was marrying the un-satisfactory boytoy she had settled for after me.
Because he had a job that paid well.
I don’t know whats worse.
someone that pays for sex because they are craving human contact
or marrying someone for financial security
I guess they’re both pretty fucking whorish.
I saw her once more at a bar recently.
I knew she was engaged at this point
so I propositioned her, in my drunken attempt at ruining her engagement
my potential payback to both of them
fuck them, both of them.
I could see her looking down at my jeans, she was interested
but she couldn’t do it
she didn’t deny it though and began ranting about marriage and blah blah blah…
I continued to drink with another friend with whom I had just met
miserable alcoholics love company.
I forgot she was even there, and she told me she was leaving
I really just wanted to give her one more
to give her the fuck that she loved
to make up for that one lethargic, lazy fuck
that morning when I just wasn’t into it, for whatever reason.
maybe that one, threw her off….
my first lesson in always maintaining to the highest of your abilities…
one more to send her back to her loser fiancee
living the rest of her life wondering why she chose to be with a dickless husband that doesn’t satisfy her.
a boring and secure life that will drive her mad, one day
hopefully.
fuck you.
she walked up the stairs, dragging her feet
she looked back to wave with sad, nostalgic eyes
and I looked away
laughing.
money makes people do stupid fucking things that they will always regret.
I know that.
She now knows that.
and that was the last time I saw her.
Karen had chosen her path and invited me along, but I stayed my course.
Meghan had chosen her path and left me behind.
I could have won, if I wanted to, but I don’t chase things that run when the going gets tough.
I stay my course.
I always stay my course.
call it the stubborn Irish in me
call it a libra trait
to me
that’s just how it should be.
* having repressed many thought’s and encounters of my ex girlfriends, I was finding vivid recollections of memories long forgotten. Experiences, and moral dilemma’s I had somehow navigated through despite, as always, being heavily sedated with alcohol and drugs. There was alot of anger towards the ex’s. Not so much now, but, I would still probably act the same way with them. Deep down, they really weren’t very nice people at all. No matter how I try to remember it.
And I always made a point of never forgetting that.
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
7:51pm
favours are strange
Paul#2 and Suzanne were strange
no kids
too much money
too much everything
sleazy
with a stench of acquired class
store-bought aristocracy
didn’t like the way he looked at her
she wasn’t “my woman”
but keep your fucking hands off.
didn’t like his smile
money can buy his impunity
his money can buy those clothes
but he doesn’t wear that suit well
no matter how hard he tries.
his wife moves in on me.
I feel like an escort
maybe they think I am
they tried to trade me off, with her
I play along at first. it was funny, for a minute
she would have been pretty, 10 years ago
too bitter, too empty now
too selfish, with her prick of a husband
she keeps looking at me, asks me to sit closer
“she wants to fuck you”
‘we need to get out of here, they want to fuck us both’
“i know right?! … how about you meet me in the bathroom?”
’ i need a drink first’
“5 mins ?”
‘give me a smoke too…’
I’m standing in the rain
feels good, feels like it should.
an older guy comes up to me
late forties, but stylish
probably gay
“I’m pretty sure I know you from somewhere”
‘its possible’
seems that everybody knows me from somewhere
the mercedes and the porsche’s drive by
while the money talks inside
and I stand with an empty drink and a fizzling smoke
“your shirts getting wet…”
somebody says under the awning
‘whats your point ?’
the waiter passes with lamb poutine
I contemplate eating some
but then my hand shakes when I reach out
maybe not
2 minutes left.
move closer to the action inside
down goes the double
‘another please’
out goes the duMaurier
‘an 2 shots of Jack, please’
times up. good timing, I have to piss.
‘nevermind, I’ll be right back’
call her name
no answer
check the mensroom
then the women’s
its small, only 1 stall, this will be tricky
eyes are starting to blur
she pulls me in
that summer smile, pulls me in
those knees
that dress, creeping up
pulls me in
the mahogany walls
those black pumps, pull me in
one leg up, a shoe comes off
a bite that stings, the taste of blood in my mouth
lip starts to swell as her back is against the tile
the door opens, its her co-worker
‘wrong washroom i guess. sorry…’
Peter stops me near the door
he’s looking for drugs.
I dont know whats happening anymore
‘dont have any sorry’
he rants on about crack, over to the bar.
its funny how irrelevant status becomes when you resort to crack.
a universal equalizer.
i need a drink
Andrew’s girl stands beside me near the bar ready with the questions
“so you’re here with ..?”
don’t know how to respond, everyone knows
but I dont know.
don’t know who shes fucking here.
don’t know who shes playing.
don’t want to ruin the night.
‘ya, just friends…’
his girl is gorgeous
like elle macpherson circa 1992
in heels shes up to my nose
deadly heels. deadly deadly heels…
hes short, nice but trying to prove too much
she wears her jeans, I mean, she really wears them
and entertains my conversation
genuinely interested in what i have to say
doesn’t happen often
i fall in love for a second
but i think hes pimping her out
conversation starts to get hazy
mid 30’s early 40’s
no kids, too much money
all they talk about is coke and each others wives
is this what I have to look forward to?
I feel a hand on my neck, shes back
laughing about our encounter
‘I think you gave me a fat lip, I’m bleeding still’
“I think we’re getting cut off…shame, I was just starting to feel good”
I harass our server
“sir, we can’t serve you anymore”
the cavalry catches wind of our cut-off
an argument ensues
tequila shots appear
champagne is in my mouth
her smoke is in my mouth
her hands are on my shoulder
someones hand is on my lower back
my head is spinning, my ears are ringing and time moves forward
the rain is coming down as we’re all over the bar
the two of us.
then all of us are everywhere
there was $100 in my pocket
hands were in my pocket
too dizzy to recall
this open bar is proving costly.
everyone is leaving with everyone
Peter is asking for coke
hes not young
shaves his head
but his stubble is white
slightly obnoxious with a sarcastic wit
too quick to make a joke
covers his insecurities
he was funny earlier at the speech… good guy it seems, despite the habit
but he keeps pressing, and i’m getting irritated.
i try to leave, alone.
its raining and a taxi bumps me
all i can hear is rain and somebody grabs me.
shes saying something behind me.
whispering, but the rain is pouring.
my head is spinning but I’m inside a car now.
I try to pay attention but there are only flashes
still fragments, pieces of a composed image
the plastic back seats are noisy
the rain, the wet
legs, my shirt, drops of blood, drops of whiskey on my shirt
wait, legs.
i sharpen up instantly, but briefly.
my hands follow the rain drops down her thighs.
that sweet summer rain.
my lip is throbbing.
its a short fare home
a key coming out
the dogs barking
roomate questioning… and the ringing stops.
its morning
my money is missing
I have to leave soon
shes throwing up
did anything happen ?
my pants are on
but there’s underwear on the floor
her clothes on the floor
cant figure out what happened
my keys
my wallet
where is everything
‘where the fuck were we?’
“i don’t even know how we got home…I have $60 dollars in my purse…?”
shes back in bed
sick
‘i’m going’
i need to.
and i’m gone.
* the first single date I had been on in years. I had gone to a company party with a woman I had just started dating. She worked for a management company that handled movie financing. we ended up at a very posh bar for a private party, with a bunch of her older and very sexually charged colleagues - my first introduction to how things really worked at that level. It felt like she was trying to prove something. It felt like she was proud to be there with me, and that felt good. I am not a superficial person, but I cannot lie in saying that it felt nice to have someone want to show me off. Though the evening kept getting increasingly awkward as their swinger intentions became obvious.
I felt like I was in a Stanley Kubrick film amongst them, not my crowd and not my world at all.
We had a brief and very visceral encounter in the private washroom - before being interupted. The night went on, and I became increasingly intoxicated, very, intoxicated. This was my first real date encounter in a taxi-cab. Even now if I think about the backseat of that cab… fuck.
Not because of the person, but because of the overwhelming of the senses.
So many minute details compose such a vivid memory.
Monday, June 15th, 2009
11:08am
very quickly
things are changing
and what it was; what I was
will never be the same again
there are things I will miss
things close I cannot get back
a friend
a few friends
very few friends
are they even .?
she says shes not fucking around
she says this is sincere
try as I might
to want to believe her
but I can’t, I know that much
she says she only has 1 sister
but that sister died 6 years ago
don’t know what to believe anymore
is this more of the same?
but her words…
they’ve made it through
its hard to keep them out
with her hands through my hair
her quiver in my hands
its too hard not to believe
but I know
I’ve seen this before
its more of the same
more lies
or maybe I just want to believe
that would make it easiier
a different one, she asks for the truth
I lie to her face
its hard, but it works
try to hide it
I think she knows
I’m doing the same thing she is
so young, and naive
she reminds me where I used to be, moreover where I should have been
hope it works for her, the photography
don’t know if she deserves it
but
she’ll find it somehow
I try to not take advantage, I don’t think that I am
I try not to fall into her
but those eyes
they make it hard to think
that curly hair
the way she smells
cant find a way out
those words though, the way she speaks
make it easy to lie to her
I look at her sometimes and think
just shut up, just stop
we’re under the sheets
the drunkards below, late nights
neon signs outside the window
the wrong decade to be lying under an open window
under the city lights
she says she wants to bleed
she wants me to bleed
offer myself up, if she wants
but, its all talk
she’s not ready for that
she puts her hands around my throat
she asks when … ?
dont respond
she pushes down
suddenly everything feels alright
lights fade
starlight appears
ringing in my ears
heart beats
my body thinks we’re dying
and she stops
exhale.
wish she hadn’t stopped.
she likes control
she needs it for now
take it easy, she’s not used to this, not used to me
says she’s never had it like this
but she needs control for it to work
and she gets it for a while
but I pin her down
its different this time
different game, different rules
one hand holds her down
the other tightens around her neck
her eyes close
she doesnt resist, she’s smiling
we move together as her breathing gets heavier
and I squeeze tighter
her breathing gets harder
can hear the air trying to push past my fingers
we move
and she’s trying to breathe
tighter, she breathes
squeeze, we move
squeeze, she inhales
squeeze
and breath stops.
I stop moving.
squeeze.
she opens her eyes for a moment
not knowing whats going to happen
not caring
and they disappear
eyelids twitch
her hands try to fight
one slips out
she grabs at my skin
the sting of her nails
feel the blood trickle
we move, in silence
she’s screaming for breath
her body is screaming for air
her eyelids flutter
eyes start to roll back
its time to release.
let her go.
her lungs swell
her body swells
as the curtains move
and we move
the breeze and the noise rushes in
that air rushing in
down my back, up her legs
a welcome sense of invasion.
everything is still
everything is quiet for a while
I start to dream, and you’re there
I’m confused now…
until she pushes herself up
and I realise where I am
she’s on top this time
and she starts
until she quivers
again and again
her voice changing
its a distinct change when you hear it
thats how you know.
and it echoes down the halls
down the stairs
out into the street
above the tree’s and across the lake
just like everyone else
just like everything else .
* newly single, and about to move in with friends, I had found myself newly dating two girls simulatneously (Not by choice). I wrote about it the following morning after leaving one of them.
Very different worlds, very different people. Both very willing to give themselves to me.
They were both lying to me, so I felt justified in lying to them. I was conflicted with this. But, there were a few nights with the younger of the two, that we shared in something visceral. It’s hard to forget nights like those. She said she wanted to know about pain, but I don’t think she really knew what she was talking about. She was into buddhism, or so she thought, but without any real world knowledge, or any understanding of pain, it was lacking merit. I tried to show her something, even scare her a little bit. Show her how things really work. I think she understood. And when she did, she went off like a firework.
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
1:13 pm
often times
staring, wondering
as trains roll pass
trying to imagine the sad agony
the desperation
that step
a very fine line
separating quiet, from headache
after headache
yet
that sad little heart persists
a testament to evolution
I often wonder what’s worse
:
the agony of that one flash
that painfully beautiful moment
or
the thought of another day
trying to imagine something worse
* I had been recently heartbroken and though I was upset, I found that a wave of sensation and emotion was coming back to my daily life - good and bad - that had been quieted for some time. I was at least feeling something again.
